I've started watching an anime that was suggested to me by someone. He said that it was very emotional and amazing (which I agree with, even though I've only seen 3 episodes) and I started thinking about feelings and stuff (my mind is random, people who know me have (hopefully) gotten pretty used to that by now). More specifically sad feelings etc. so what the heck, why not write them down? It's not like I do anything else with this blog (which has helped me realize how self centered I am, I don't ever write about anything but me). So let's just jump straight in, shan't we?

I always have to push my tears out. They never run freely. As soon as my eyes start to water my immediate response is to hold them back, never to let them escape. It's a reflex, I've done it so many times I don't even have to think about it anymore. I just do it anyway.

So whenever I need to cry, just to blow of some steam, I have to dig deep, deep down into the very saddest part of my core to find something that can let my tears run down my face without resistance.

I don't cry often, even though I want to. I don't "explore" my emotions at all really. I don't really want to either.

Becoming completely filled by one emotion, whether it be good or bad, is scary. And it hurts. It hurts feeling completely overjoyed just as much as it hurts to be completely miserable.

So my solution is that I cut them up. I separate all my feelings into tiny pieces so I won't have to feel so much of it at once.

But of course there's a downside to that. When I cut them up I get more of them.

That's one of the reasons to all my mood swings, I have too many tiny pieces of feelings so they have to change a lot for them to be used up.

But it's random, sometimes I get many sad feelings in a row, so it happen sometimes that I have longer periods of sadness, but since they're so small it still hurts less than the "real" thing. It's the same with all my feelings really.

Except for emptiness, I've only felt empty once or twice for as long as I can remember, which is a good thing, I guess.

It's probably one of the best feelings I've ever had (Yes I sound all crazy and stuff, but stay with me now). It's like, everything becomes white and blurred, and sort of foggy. It's not warm, nor is it cold, it isn't humid or dry, it's not really anything.

Nothing matters and my normally scattered thoughts are no longer reachable trough the thick layer of fog.

You just feel at peace, but at the same time there is nothing called peaceful, there's no room for anything but that white blurriness. It's soothing, but still upsetting, knowing that it's not actually good, but it doesn't matter, nothing does.

It's not easy to explain, but it's like an asylum. The direct meaning of the word is a haven, refuge or sanctuary, but what it has come to stand for is a hellish nightmare only depicted in horror movies. That's sort of what it's like. A misinterpretation of something good.

Entering that state of nothing is quick, you won't even notice it until it's there. Leaving it is more slowly, the world comes back into focus even though it never truly left. But it's also sudden, it's not like *BAM* feelings, more like how you feel when you've just woken up after a good nights sleep. Everything starts to influence you again, but not like a sledgehammer to the head, it just starts to seep back, calmly and quietly.

At least that is what it is to me.

Well, that's that I guess, bye.

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